This tool can always be found at PaulDuignan.consulting/chat.

Summary of the CHAT Tool

Structure oral or written communication with another using the following structure:

• C - make the situation that is causing problems CLEAR

• H - Tell them HOW you feel about it.

• A - Let them know what ACTION you would like from them.

• T - Outline the THINGS that will happen if they act.

Details About using the CHAT Tool

Often when we are upset about something someone has done, or not done, we are not sure how to clearly communicate to them what we would like them to do in the future. The CHAT Tool* is a way of clearly and assertively, communicating to other people how you would prefer they behaved. You can use the tool when you want to talk to someone about an issue, or you can use it to structure an email or other communication to them. Using it helps you communicate more effectively. Better communication means that they are more likely to do what you would like them to do. In your communication with them, you can include the following four parts in the order set out below. You can also use the CHAT Tool to simply clarify your thinking about what you would like to say to someone, even if you are not currently in a position to say it to them in the CHAT format.

It is easy enough to use the CHAT Tool when you are writing someone an email. But if you are talking to someone and you are upset, it can be hard to remember each of the four steps. I have given some ‘Start words’ below for each step in the tool. You can use these help you remember to include each stage when you are using the tool. It is useful to practice what you want to say a number of times before you actually say it to the person. Obviously, you do not have to use the start words and you can use whatever words work for you. Whatever you say should be appropriate for talking to the person you are wanting to communicate with.

When you first start using the tool, it is worthwhile for you to start off getting used to it by practicing its use on an issue that is relatively minor, rather than using it for the first time on a high stakes issue.

C - Make the situation that is causing problems Clear

If appropriate start with: I just want to make something CLEAR . . .

Home Example: After dinner you usually do not thank me for cooking the meal and you do not clear the table and start the dishes until much later, or the next morning.

Work Example: When we talk to management about our joint project I feel you usually try to claim all the credit for the work that has been done, even for parts of it that I have done.

H - Tell Them how you feel about it

If appropriate start with: I just want to tell you HOW I feel about this . . .

Home Example: I feel that my work preparing the meal is not appreciated and I am disappointed that the dishes hang around all evening.

Work Example: I feel resentful about this because I feel that management will not realise the contribution that I am making and that will affect my bonus later in the year.

A - Let them knowwhat action you would like from them

If appropriate start with: I would like the following ACTION on this . . .

Home Example: It would be great if you thanked me after we finish dinner and you got up and cleared the table and did the dishes.

Work Example: When we are talking to management, I would like you to give me credit in front of management for the parts of the project that I have been doing.

*The CHAT Tool is Dr Paul Duignan’s adaption of what is called DESC Scripting into a format that some people find easier to remember and use in practice.

Please note that when you are dealing with issues around child rearing, relationships, dealing with stress of any type or doing psychological or self-development work, if you find yourself feeling overwhelming emotions, troubling thoughts or actions, you need to talk to a health professional.