We often think that we are freely deciding what we will do as we go about our lives. However, the reality is that often we are simply letting ‘rules’ that we have either been given by our parents, or have developed ourselves because of our experiences, decide what we will do. In itself, there is nothing wrong with this. There are many good rules that help us live ethical and fruitful lives in which we look after ourselves and help others.

However, it is worthwhile looking at the rules we have about life and working out which, if any, of them lie at the source of some of the problems we are having. The RULES Clarification Tool is a way of looking at the rules that are driving our behaviour and, if necessary, tweaking or changing them so that we can be more content.

Below are the steps to go through when using the RULES Clarification Tool. You can create a table in a Word document and make a column for each of the RULES elements. The fill the table in for any rules that are causing you problems, in a similar way to the how the examples are set out below.

R - Identify your Rules

You will have all sorts of rules that you use to run your life with. There is nothing wrong with having rules. However, it is worthwhile identifying any of these rules that you are currently applying that are are making you discontent and which you could potentially change. Examples of rules are:

Rule 1: I need other peoples’ approval before I decide to do something.

Rule 2: I need to put my feelings to one side when dealing with other people because their feelings are more important.

U - Understand the type of person this Rule makes you be

Applying rules to the way you live your life makes you ‘be’ a certain type of person. Most of the time this is fine because we are happy with the rules we are following. But if some rules are causing you difficulty it is worth understanding the type of person the particular rule is making you ‘be’. Examples of understanding what rules are making you be are:

Because of Rule 1: I am someone who cannot do what I want to do, only what others want me to do.

Because of Rule 2: I don’t get to express my feelings. Others end up not knowing how I feel. I resent people not understanding my feelings.

L - Let go of the negative rule and turn it into a more positive rule

Check that you really want to change the rule. For instance, it is not a good idea to change ethical rules that make you the type of person you want to be. If you are sure that there is no ethical or other problem with changing the rule, let go of it. Then turn it into a more positive rule. Examples:

Let go of Rule 1: I am allowed to decide to do things regardless of what others feel about my decisions.

Let go of Rule 2: I have a right for my feelings to be considered alongside other people’s feelings.

Please note that if, when doing any type of psychological or self-development work, you find you are feeling overwhelming emotions or persistently troubling thoughts, you need to talk to a health professional.